| new journal |
[Mar. 7th, 2005|07:41 am] |
EVERYONE ADD MY NEW JOURNAL, KAY? ... likemyrainbow
This will be my last journal entry on this account.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2005|11:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  restless | ] |
So I'm in Sudbury with Sara and Adam... I was hella pumped to be going for a while, but right now I don't see it becoming the big awesome road trip I expected. My bank screwed up somehow, so I can't touch my money. Isn't that great? Oh, I thought it was. We're staying at Sara's sisters place. It's cool, and her sister and her boyfriend are really awesome people. Really insightful. I wanted to sleep in the bird room because I prefer sleeping and being alone and away from everyone else because I feel safer and more comfortable that way. But Adam wanted it, so I didn't argue. No sense in making something small a big huge deal. I think I'm just going to end up sleeping on the floor. It's too dark to try and find the blankets or pillows or anything. Meh... I doubt I'll even sleep anyways. I'm actually hoping I don't get all emotional and start to cry or have a panic attack or anything. That would be just... annoying. I pierced my ear myself tuesday night because I was feeling cutty and wanted to make something productive out of my want for physical self-mutilation. So yeah, it hurt. Meh...
I feel out of place in other people's homes like this. I just don't like it. I was actually hoping to be able to sleep with Adam somehow for the night but he wanted the tiny room to himself, which is probably better anyways because we would have been squished like effing sardines. I've felt the need to be very clingy lately and I don't know why. I keep getting all attached and dependent on other people but it seems I keep getting rejected, so whatever. I'm not talking about my friends or that type of thing. I'm talking about something else. It isn't fair of me to do it but I think I really need some kind of solid support right now but I don't know how to ask for it. I just get depressed and I do stupid things to myself and others. I'm kind of glad most people don't look at my journal because it gives it some privacy. I'm going to bed now.
... I think I wanna go home.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2005|03:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metric - Hustle Rose | ] |
Today I went and straightened out the little problem I was having with college applications. This made me feel better about my day. The day itself was already bad enough, being that I have a horrible ulcer-like pain in the pit of my stomach. This tormented me throughout the day. I made a comment to Candice today how I take back what I said about preferring physical pain over emotional. When I got home, though, the big man upstairs didn't seem to care about preferences. On the table was an information package from Algonquin. I was excited, as I haven't heard much from them since I applied. Adam really wants to go there, and Ottawa was one of my chosen possible moving locations anyways. I open the letter, look at its contents and read how they want me to attend a mandatory information session and pass an important knowledge test. Well whoopdy fucking doo. I'm down to three colleges now. I have a feeling that none of this is going to work out and that it would be better if I just stop trying to forward myself. Because it only brings me backwards. I've been in one hell of a pissy mood the last few days as well, and now I'm the pissiest of the pissy. Here me? Stay the fuck out of my way unless you want a permanent fist print embedded in your face.
I'm sick of being quote un-fucking-quote girly. No more advice on hair, no more talk about style and design. No more giddy Rob. No more catwalk worthy attitude.
Rob is dead. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|11:45 pm] |
He called me and we talked for over an hour. He made me feel special.
I love him.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2005|09:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  scared | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metric - Love Is A Place | ] |
So I'm bored... and sad. And a mix of other things. My head hurts. I took a bath to try and relax myself but I only got more agitated so I got out. I'm eating little tiny tomato things. They squish in my teeth. I've had a rough past couple of days. The more I put myself out there for people to know the less happy I am I think. It only leads to me realizing just how much better they are than me.
I got my report card today. I failed a class. Yay Rob. Looks like I'll need an extra credit in Co-op to graduate. Think I care? No. I'm down to only four possible colleges now, as one wanted me to drag my ass to Toronto for like next month. I also got a letter today from the application services saying they've lost my grades. I'm not even upset, I have other things keeping me restless right now.
I really need Adam right now. Even if there isn't a single word exchanged for over 10 minutes at a time, knowing he's listening if there is would be good enough. I hope to God that he comes home from that play he went to with Sara in a good mood. The last thing I need right now is my safe place giving me the cold shoulder for whatever reason.
I just want to tell everyone that I'm sorry.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2005|01:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | bored | ] |
It's last block and I'm in the school's library again. I dunno, not much has happened since my last entry. Well, nothing significant anyways. It's bloody cold in here because the librarian had the window open but someone just closed it I think. Yes, yes they did.
So here's the thing. I need my driver's licence. It's beyond a I WANNA DRIVE thing now. Like it's at a point where I literally NEED to have vehicular access for my own sanity. I think it's that most people don't even trust me. I have no car to teach myself with, nor do I have the money to support myself through driving school right now. Plus, I'm sick of everyone else having their licence so freely when it's a struggle for me to even talk to my parents about getting it. I also need another job. Sometime this week I plan to print out resumes again and hand them out at various locations. This time though, I'm putting myself on a budget. No more needless spending - I am saving, not blowing.
So yesterday was Valentine's Day. I don't see why one day of the year should be dedicated to spending "quality time" with a loved one when equal time should be spent with them every other effing day of the year. Greeting cards created it, not St. Valentine. Despite my grief, I made use of it anyways by inviting Adam over. =)
My birthday is in a few months; what shall I ask for? Perhaps another piercing, or maybe a simple request for a reasonable lump-sum of money. Either way, it doesn't matter to me because I normally don't care about what I get for birthdays or Christmas or anything. But this year is my 18th, and I wanna be spoiled!
I changed my barbell to a shorter guage to allow it to fully heal before I change the style of piercing itself. It's much more comfortable now, and I don't have to worry about catching it on my teeth anymore. I love it! *fondles tongue ring*
Another 65 minutes until this block ends. *pouts*
*PS* - There's no profanity in this entry! Yay for me.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2005|10:50 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  touched | ] |
So I'm in the library because Co-op let out early again. If this were a spare I wouldn't mind it so much, but it's hard to figure out when I'm going to actually have a real full-length morning class. I guess maybe I should just count my blessings that I even got out early in the first place. Becky and Megan are sitting beside me on MSN, even though it's illegal to download anything on the school's computers. Bloody rebels they are, I tell you. What's that you say? Becky's at school?! Full time?!!!11oneone
I can see myself in the computer screen and I don't like it. But I'm just that distracting guess. *turns the screen sideways*... Half an hout til lunchness! Me's excitepated.
Time to go off into random randomness:
DAVID LIKES SHAVED CONDOM PUSSEYS. And he will kill Jennifer.
JADE MAKES CANDICE HORNY. AND CANDICE MAKES JADE ALL HOT N' STEAMY.
SARAH HAS A MULLET. (dont kill me, you know im kidding)
ROB LIKES HIM SOME ASS. (abbreviation there)
CANDICE IS A STALKER. CAREFUL, SHE MAY BE STALKING YOU RIGHT NOW. IN HER PANTS!!!!!11one
...
Good'day and eff you.
*PS* - Look assholes, I'm touched! HAHAHAHAh touched! HAHAHAHAHA.... and I'm done.
~Rob~ |
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| Almost There... |
[Feb. 7th, 2005|10:54 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | My tum tum | ] |
10:50... Lunch is half an hour away. I came to the library to pass the time until then, and every minute expands my hunger. I WANTS ME SOME GRUB DANGIT. So here's what's happened... I lost some more weight, go figure, and my parents are threatening to send me to the hospital where they'll shove an IV into my arm and feed me liquid steak and potatoes until my effing head explodes. See, I'm eating like a horse most days. In fact, last night I had like an entire plate full of my gramma's homemade chicken fingies. Mmm. Fingies. My mother was gasping in disbelief as I shovelled it into my face. Talking about food is not making me feel any better. Those things were damn good too.
Like holy frigging punctuation, Batman! Look at the sentence structure in this entry! Speaking of which, I would like to playfully bash and torment The Jade for using the sentence that follows; ahem. "Oh /\/\Y G0DZ0R I LIK3 U G0 0UT WITH M3 AND ROXXORS MY BOXXORS!!!11one!!1" Now I have used the "!!11one" myself, but not in such a way that I sound like a bloody morphine addict with a syringe shoved up my ass. I love you Jade, for only you could be more smartass than I.
Fifteen more minutes until I stuff my face with hair-infested cafeteria food. Mmm, woman stubble. No one on eMessenger is talking to me. Don't I feel loved. Or maybe it's the fact that these computers have the transfer rate of a paraplegic turtle caught in a fucking snow storm. Gah, technoligy stinks.
It's time to go slam my head in my locker a few hundred times.
*PS* - Good day, and fuck you. =)
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2005|12:58 pm] |
So I had this friend. She seemeed fine, a little overdramatic, but I guess okay. I knew her for like 17 years or something. Well it turns out she's a compulsive liar, right? And that she can't keep a story straight, right? She even did so much as fake a break-in into her own email address. Yeah. I know. Stupid.
Have fun losing people's trust for the rest of your life.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2005|11:43 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | blank | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sum 41 - Pieces | ] |
I cried three months of tears last night. From here on it should be easy sailing.
Well hello, a journal entry brought to you, courtesy of my lazy ass deciding to finally update my life. *streamers get stuck in the poppers* I finally got my ISU's done in two of my three classes and I got a small extention on one of them. So yeah... We'll see. I'm supposed to be happy right now, considering what happened last night, although I feel like eff. I got home last night and my grandmother, on her birthday (past midnight) tells me I've "changed" and that she doesn't seem to think that I care at all for my family. "No wonder you're so thin, you never sit down for a meal." ... "Nothing but your friends are important." I can't tell her off. She's right.
This is getting cut short before I have a bitchy freak out.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2005|12:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  quixotic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metric - Love Is A Place | ] |
Well here's what's been going on... I got my tongue pierced and it's the sixth day of having it in. The swelling hasn't gone down a ginormous amount, and it's developed this semi large bloody ball kind of thing, which has gone down in size considerably since I discovered it. This morning, it was gone and theres a little patch of hard blood crusted to the hole. I think it popped. Heh. Actually, I hope it did. I've been driving myself absolutely up the wall since I got this thing done. Like, seriously. Complete mental case mixed with the depression of not being able to eat anything but mush. That's another thing. I have a doctor's appointment dealing with my eating habits. Turns out I may have a minor eating disorder. =(
Blah blah blah...
New Years! Yay! I got to be with my Adam and do the whole kiss after midnight thing. Third month, and it feels like I've known him since we were little young'ins. I love him. He's allowed over now, parents know, don't care and all feels well. *giggles like a hyper little schoolgirl*
What the hell is quixotic? I posted it despite the fact that I don't know what it is, because the little icon guy thurr looks like he's having an epileptic seizure.
Ugh. I seriously have to do this essay.
ps - Fuck ...me! (No, not you. OR you. OR YOU. Yes, you.)
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2004|10:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
Merry Ho Ho to all the sluts in the land of rainbow.
In other news, here's a picture.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 15th, 2004|05:30 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gwen Stefani - Crash | ] |
Well... 8:15 and on spare... Will be going to school in an hour and a half... Bleh... To tell you the truth, I really don't wanna go anymore. It isn't that I'm lazy, because I do the work, just too late to be handed in. It just isn't fair... You do this, you leave, you pay bills, get trampled on and die. YIPPEE FUCKING SKIPPY.
I don't know if I'll be able to graduate... The more I think about it, the less I want to stay here for another year. I just don't think it's fair for someone to have to put up with nothingness until it becomes a part of their everyday schedule. What do I do with myself? Nothing. Heh.
In other news, I quit my job, had a panic attack and almost blew up. Well.... no, not really... but you get it anyways.
EVERYBODY GO OUT AND BUY THE GWEN STEFANI ALBUM, MMK?
...One more day spent with Adam. =)
ps - sakjehdqwjfvjewnkjytetg..
Get it?! Got it??!! Good.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 14th, 2004|12:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | touched | ] |
Emu. HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA.
~Rob~ |
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| my tummy hurtses |
[Nov. 29th, 2004|03:02 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Metric - I.O.U. | ] |
I hope he has fun. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2004|11:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | hungry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | ROCKSTAR BARBIE!!!!!!!!!! | ] |
Oh, how fun to be a rabbit.
I get it anyways.
~Rob~ |
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| CLANKETTY CLANK FUCKING CLANK |
[Nov. 24th, 2004|08:56 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | mellow | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the clank of the overhead fan in the classroom | ] |
I got my report card. Good enough marks in two thirds of my classes, which would have made my average mid 70's... had my mark in portfolio development not been a ten. A bloody ten. I also got my project proposal back from the teacher and one of his comments was something to the effect of "I do not believe that even YOU understand your topic." My topic being depression and suicide, I did not want to explain to him my past experiences. So I guess I don't know anything about that which I once felt. Oh fekking well. I have not shown it to my parents yet. TEN. Well I guess this is where I tell you about Adam. Sigh. =) He and I began going out around a month or so ago, and it's been constant greatness ever since. I love every characteristic of him, from the way his shirt fits to the way his ingrowing facial hair feels on my nose. I'm taking this easy though, because I haven't had the best luck in the past with people. I open myself too much emotionally, and it seems as if I always end up getting used. BUT I'M WHINY REMEMBER?!?!?!11ONE
My mother was in the hospital again for about a week or two. She's addicted to painkillers. Still neurotic as ever. "Everything's going to get better, I just need to get on some pills first." Yes. Mhmmm. I believe that, just like I believed it last time. I love my whole family, I really do, my mother being one of the ones I am normally especially fond of. I do now know anymore... Maybe she's right this time. Who knows.
A friend's mother is in the hospital. I empathize. *many hugs*
I have a suicidal friend. I empathize. *many hugs*
I wreak of my dog. Why must those damn things be so affectionatte.
I'm sick of sneaking out of the house to see Adam. I want to bring him home and make my parents understand. I wish I could reassure them that it's just as normal as if I brought a nice virgin girl home. I want acceptance, not even respect. Acceptance. I'm becoming such a mess. Maybe I'll start locking my journal. Heh. This is becoming too pity me-ish.
Pee Ess - EFF.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|11:12 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
Today my father asked me to stay home so he could tend to my mother's needs because she's in the hospital. I have an "attitude," and that's why I told my father he "coudn't make me stay," and that I was such a fucking bastard and ruined the family. Truth is, I think I did. I hate things like this and going out anyways was my way of boycotting any power witheld over me, apparently. I don't even know why I do things. I just do. He thinks I did it out of anger towards my mother. My grandmother made a nice supper tonight because she thought I was going to be there, and my mother called at 4 because she wanted to talk to me and/or see me because she hadn't in so long. No matter how much I want to kill them sometimes, I fucking hate that she did that. Because I want to see her too. I want to kidnap her and take her home and promise her everything will be okay. I hate feeling weak and going against the rules so that I can feel important. I wish I stayed home. I've caused such a mess.
I know, I know, cry you a fucking river, yuh huh... boo fucking hoo.
~Rob~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2004|03:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ashlee Simpson - Lala | ] |
The next time my parents ask me to do dishes I'm throwing a psychotic fit at them. I got to work at 3:30, right? And I start off in dishes, right? And I end up working 9 hours with one break, right? It was okay though... better than what I thought. I was scared. But I made some mistakes. When one of my bosses told me to go get changed I went into the customer bathroom instead of the change rooms. I brought a pile of dirty glasses to the bar. The metal laidle spoon thing hates me, because I had to wash it like 80 bazillion times and it fell on the floor every single time. The hose for the sink has some kind of grudge against me because it squirted all over me every time I even looked at it funny. But the whole night wasn't that bad. It was easier than I thought it was going to be. The guy helping me in dishes, Terry, he's pretty cool. He kept asking why I wasn't swearing and goofing off. It was hard explaining to him that I want to act accordingly on my first day lol. Anyways I ended up leaving at like 1. My feet hurt, my sore knee was killing me, and I loved it. I made money. The night felt like it lasted a week long, but I made money. Now I'm scared of doing take-out. Anyways I work in an hour. Bye.
~Rob~ |
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| so heres my new 'do. |
[Oct. 21st, 2004|10:44 pm] |
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Oh yeah, and I got the job at Joey Calzones. ^_^
~Rob~ |
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